wilderwoman.

"Lord, make me a channel of thy peace, that where there is hatred, I may bring love; that where there is wrong, I may bring the spirit of forgiveness; that where there is discord, I may bring harmony; that where there is error, I may bring truth; that where there is doubt, I mat bring faith; that where there is despair, I may bring hope; that where there are shadows, I may bring light; that where there is sadness, I may bring joy. Lord, grant that I may seek rather to comfort than to be comforted; to understand, than to be understood; to love, than to be loved. For it is by self-forgetting that one finds. It is by forgiving that one is forgiven. It is by dying that one awakens to eternal life."

-The St. Francis Prayer

You can't tell, but there is a picture of Christ behind me in this photo.

I am so grateful for him today I can't even stand it.

How blessed I am to know that I am never alone.

There is always one who completely understands what I am feeling.

I know I look like a filthy orphan in these pictures, but I assure you this is one happy, healthy girl right here. These were taken earlier this year when I was working as a field staff at a wilderness therapy program in The Grand Staircase Escalante. Best job in the world, hands down (don't get me wrong, I absolutely love the job I have now, but... seriously). I would not trade those months living and working in the wilderness for anything. It was an unforgettable experience being in the great outdoors all the time, closer to God than I ever thought possible, connecting with remarkable people and the breathtaking environment around me. Not to mention the fact that having the opportunity to help others through their recovery did wonders for my own recovery. I can't wait to go back for a visit to my favorite place next month! Wilderwoman for life!

My favorite wilderness dish. Key lime pie baked on the campfire.

Look at me. I am so cultured.

And of course... the infamous creeper face!

...I just realized that there are five pictures of JUST ME on this post. Five! How vain am I?

Monday Mugs.

Yeah, it's been a while...

I finally have a moment to breathe.

Life has been way too busy lately! I wish it would slow down a little bit!
If it isn't one thing, it's another.
I would really like a vacation.
But who wouldn't, right?
And being busy is always better than being bored... right?



It's only 9:30 am, and I already feel super productive today.
I drove Chase to work.
I went to the gym (early in the morning... miracles do happen).
I did some laundry (huge accomplishment, I know).
And I am even making time for some of this:

Only three days until the movie! I am so excited!

Yes, those are smiley face fruit snacks next to my tea... I am a classy lady.

Coincidentally, this picture illustrates two of my obsessions: candles and mugs.

I am also rather fond of reading, but I wouldn't venture to say that it is an obsession of mine.

My deep love for candles started years ago when I was in high school, but the whole mug thing started fairly recently. Maybe it has something to do with the time of year and the fact that I drink much more hot chocolate this year than I ever did before (and I drank quite a bit before... don't judge). Who knows!

But I love my cute little mug collection so far! Chase saw me lusting after this particular mug and plate combo at Target a couple of weeks ago, so of course he bought it. He is so great. This particular morning, I was an Early Bird, so it seemed fitting.  However, it is not often that I feel justified in using this mug. With my sleep schedule being the way it is lately, it generally makes more sense to use its counterpart, which I went back and purchased last week:

Adorable, I know.

Happy Monday, everyone!!!

Back to Basics.

Remember how I mentioned how nostalgic this time of year is?
Well, Chase and I went to Harts for hot chocolate.
Talk about nostalgia...
Oh, high school. I do not miss you!

"To the extent that we want something from someone, to that exact degree, we will be in pain."

- Dag Hammarskjold

Time to get back to the basics.

I have to force myself to do this every now and again.

You would think I would learn.

I suppose I am, though... trail and error, right?

Sorry for being vague. But remember: this blog is just as much for me as it is for you. And by "you" I mean no one, of course... you know, since I don't have any followers yet! I am so cool. Too cool. And you know what is most ridiculous about the whole thing? I get an incredible amount of enjoyment out of writing this blog despite the fact that no one reads it.

Another awesome quote:

"Don't reinvent the wheel; just realign it."

- Anthony J. D'Angelo

Have I mentioned lately that I love my husband?

'Cause I do.

snow.

It has been snowing non-stop just about the entire weekend. Minus the incredibly stressful drive to work on Saturday morning, I have been absolutely loving it. I didn't think I would. In fact, I was dreading its arrival until the moment it arrived. But when it did, I had a moment of clarity and realized that I would not be moving from where I currently live any time soon, so I had two options: I could complain about the snow and be miserable all winter, or I could embrace the snow and be an incredibly happy girl in this winter wonderland in which I am blessed to live. I chose the latter. Thank goodness.

"The snow doesn't give a soft white damn whom it touches."
- E.E. Cumings

This is the view from the front porch of the group home where I work. Chase and I do an overnight there once or twice a week (yes, my employer is kind enough to let my husband sleep there with me,) and this is what we woke up to. The girls were thrilled.

So thrilled that they offered to shovel the snow without being asked.

(I am not permitted to post pictures of their faces online, for their protection, so you will probably see a lot of pictures of the backs of their heads on this blog.)

    

Busy, Busy, Busy.

I am currently blogging next to my husband and his best friend, who are completely engrossed in a game of Halo 4. They look so incredibly focused. Don't worry about me... I've got headphones! And you know what? It is strangely relaxing. My delightfully nerdy husband and I are both getting exactly what we want right now. And we still get to sit next to each other. Bonus!!!

It has been an eventful weekend, to say the least. On Friday after work, we went to an open house for our friends, Maren and Gerard, who just got married. He is British and she is American, and they both have a fabulous sense of humor. Such delightful people. We followed that with ice cream and an improv show at the Ziegfeld Theatre in Ogden, which is owned by my sister-in-law and her husband. If you haven't been to a show there before, you should definitely do so. You will not be disappointed. 

Saturday was fantastic. I got paid to have fun all day. I generally get paid to have fun, except when I am getting paid to get beat up. But we won't go into that too much. You see, I have this really amazing job. I work in a group home for little girls with severe behavioral issues. It is draining, it is exhausting, and it is so incredibly rewarding that it is worth every minute. The home is just like any other house on the street, and it is run family-style. So we are not just "employees" and "clients". We are a family. The girls are all in state custody, and we are hoping to change that, so we treat them as if we are their parents and they are our children. The goal is for them to learn the skills necessary to thrive in an actual family environment so they will, some day, have a chance at a successful adoption and a fulfilling life. Many of them have already had more than one failed adoption. These poor little babies have been through so much in their short lives. I am blessed to be a part of their journey. And I am grateful that the Lord has blessed me with such a capacity to love. Despite the horrific things that I am often exposed to, I still love each one of these girls more than I ever thought I could possibly love a child that was not my own. I am also grateful for the perspective it has given me. How blessed I am to have grown up with a family and a home of my own! My life really has never been all that bad! Anyway, we took the girls to see Oliver at Hale Center Theater and then went to Tepanyaki for dinner. They were all incredibly well-behaved, and I had a blast getting them dressed up and doing their hair and having a "fancy day" with them.

Saturday night, we had a birthday party for our dearest friend, James McAllister, and then we did the same thing we do every Saturday night. We went to Chase's improv show! Yes, it's true, my husband is funny. And he can't get enough of being on stage and making people laugh. The rest of the improv troupe is pretty great, too. Not to mention the fact that they are awesome to hang out with. Off the Wall Comedy Improv. Every Saturday night at 10:30 at Draper Historic Theatre. It's only $5. Check it out! You'll be glad you did!

Happy Birthday, James!!!

Today was no less busy than the rest of the week. Chase and I had two homecomings to attend. At the same time. We made it happen. And I'm glad we did. I had the opportunity to see some old friends and meet some new ones! And who doesn't love that? Oh, and the food that we ate today... way too good. We had fantastic crepes at the first homecoming, and we also went to my parents' house for dinner. And for those of you who don't already know, my momma and daddy are the best cooks ever. I adore my family for so many reasons, but the one that I would like to highlight at this moment is the fact that we eat like Kings and Queens because the food my parents make is so dang delicious. After a filling dinner and almost falling asleep afterward, we went to an AA meeting to watch my second mom, Shirlee Allen, recieve her two-year chip. TWO YEARS of sobriety. It's a big deal! Well done, pretty lady!

I've finally gotten around to taking down my Halloween decorations, and I am not sad at all. I am so ready for Thanksgiving. It seems like as soon as Halloween is over, a lot of people want to just skip over Thanksgiving and head straight for Christmas. Don't get me wrong- I love Christmas just as much as the next person. I really do. But it will have it's turn soon enough! Slow down a bit!

Forever Bands.

I made the mistake of getting on Facebook last night after the election results came in. And then again this  morning. What was I thinking? What did I expect? I really don't know. All I know is, I quickly wished I hadn't gotten on Facebook and ended up having to de-stress with some Enya and some delicious hot chocolate. It was my husband's idea. He knows me too well. I am worn out when it comes to politics. So I will say one thing, and then I will say nothing more about it...

"God Bless America, land that I love."

In other news, our apartment is now finished and CLEAN and ORGANIZED. Just in time, too. I was at the end of my rope with the whole thing. It was overwhelming. It was exhausting. It was stressful. And it was worth it. I feel so accomplished now. To another person, it would probably seem silly... our apartment is not very large and not all that extravagant, either. But you see, I seem to be what some would call a bit of a "neat freak". And everything needs to be "just so". And for right now, it is. I am a happy girl.

This is one of my favorite albums of all time. It has been since my freshman year of high school, and I think it always will be. You know those few bands that you will always come back to and enjoy listening to, no matter how old you get? I call those "forever bands"...and Death Cab for Cutie is a forever band for me. If you have never listened to Transatlanticism, I would highly recommend it.

You know who else is a forever band? Taking Back Sunday. They are so high school. And I love it. My husband and I were in the car on our way to the gym today, when I suddenly felt compelled to pop in some old-school TBS. This happens every few months, so I wasn't too surprised by it. Chase and I did not have the same taste in music- or really the same taste in just about anything- in our high school days, so I was unsure of what his reaction would be. But he is an open-minded individual about most things, so I went for it. But I didn't just go for it. I went all out. I belted it. What was I supposed to do? You can't listen to old-school TBS and not belt it. There was no other option. After several songs, I got the impression that he was not amused. He was honest with me, as he always is, and told me that it made him think of middle school, and he hated middle school. I was crushed. For a moment. He didn't understand Taking Back Sunday! How could he not? And what was I to do about that??? But I quickly collected myself and realized that he had a valid reason, in his mind, for not being fond of this band that I so cherish. It reminded him of middle school. No one likes middle school. How does one argue with that? Well... they just don't.

So I saved my belting for later, when I was alone in the car. And it was magnificent. And as I was singing, "I KNOW YOU KNOW EVERYTHING!!! I KNOW YOU DIDN'T MEAN IT! I KNOW YOU DIDN'T MEAN IT!" at the top of my lungs, an overwhelming wave of memories came flooding back to me. Of my younger days. Of the simpler times. Don't get me wrong- I wouldn't trade the life I have today for anything at all. But there are people and experiences that I miss dearly and will always hold close to my heart. There is just something about autumn... so much nostalgia in autumn.

music.

Sleep don't visit, so I choke on sun
And the days blur into one
And the backs of my eyes hum with things I've never done

Sheets are swaying from an old clothesline
Like a row of captured ghosts over cold dead grass
Was never much but we made the most
Welcome Home

Ships are launching from my chest
Some have names but most do not
If you find one, please let me know what piece I've lost

Peel the scars from off my back
I don't need them anymore
You can throw them out or keep them in your mason jars
I've come home

All my nightmares escaped my head
Bar the door, please don't let them in
You were never supposed to leave
Now my head's splitting at the seams
And I don't know if I can

Here, beneath my lungs, I feel your thumbs press into my skin again

These beautiful words are the lyrics to a song entitled "Welcome Home, Son" by Radical Face.
I am in love with it. It holds so much meaning for me personally.

Music is the way I connect with the rest of the universe. It always has been for as long as I can remember. You can feel completely alone and be absolutely sure that your world is ending, and then you listen to a song that even remotely relates to your feelings or what you are experiencing, and suddenly there is hope that life will go on. That you are not going to die. That you are not alone. That someone else has experienced this same thing and actually survived. It's a beautiful thing. And sometimes you get really really lucky and you find a whole album, or an artist, who relates to you in almost every single song. It's like they are singing just for you. There are very few things better than that.

There is nothing better than a fresh pile of leaves. And your handsome husband. At the same time.

Yes, I finally caved and got Instagram. You'll get over it. I certainly have!

Uh... Blogging?

Sometimes I feel like a fake when I write. Mostly because I just don't think I'm very good at it. But I do rather enjoy it, so I have decided to do it on a regular basis. Again. But not just in my personal journals this time... in a blog. Online. Where actual human beings can actually see it. It feels rather bold, and I feel rather... well... vulnerable. Which is uncomfortable for me sometimes. It hasn't always been... I have always been, by nature, a fairly open person when it comes to my feelings, emotions, and experiences. But over the course of time- particularly the past two and a half years- several things about me have changed pretty drastically. Mostly for the better. At least I like to think so. I have never lost the desire or ability to share myself with others, but I have certainly been more particular about who I share the most intimate parts of myself and my story with. I am not sure if that is a good thing or a bad thing. I think it's a little of both. 

It has its pros and cons, as most things in life do. But it's working for me. I have become much more self-sufficient. Some of my experiences have forced me to, and I am grateful for that. I learned how to be independent. I experienced the joy, satisfaction, and freedom of standing on my own two feet without feeling like I needed anyone else's approval as a safety net. Don't get me wrong- I still feel like I need it sometimes. Approval, I mean. It's a part of human nature, it's in my subconscious mind, and it pops up at the worst times and in the worst ways. But it pops up so I can clear it out. And I am working on that continually. And the difference between then and now, the reason why I can usually clear it out when my triggers get hit, ("there's a switch that gets hit...") is that I now have the constant underlying, powerful knowledge that I don't need it. I am a human being. I want approval from other human beings. But if I don't have it, I am still safe. I am still loved. Because the love is inside of me. I have a piece of God inside of me. And God is Love. How cool is that? Okay, I'm rambling... I have a feeling that will happen more often than not. Just an inkling. So if you are the kind of person who cannot bear to listen to people ramble, this is probably not an ideal blog for you to read. Not that I am under the impression that anyone was planning on reading this blasted thing. That would be pretentious of me... right? ......There I go with the approval thing.

Anyway. the point that I think I was trying to make is this:
I am learning how to be vulnerable again.
It is not easy. At all. But I am loving every minute of it.
And this is the main reason:

This stud is my husband. Yes, I'm serious.Yes, I know how lucky I am. But you don't. I wish you did, but you don't. You couldn't. You just simply could not know the goodness that is Chase Christian Brady. He was sent to me straight from God. And that about sums it up.

Except maybe it doesn't, because I still feel the urge to keep talking about him. Which is normal for me. My tendency to be stubborn and try to do everything myself and stress myself out and take care of everyone else's "needs" while ignoring my own- well, it just does not work for this man. Because he knows that it does not work for me. How a person who has only known me for a year could know my soul so well, I really just don't know. But it never ceases to amaze me. I have never been asked the question, "What do you want?" On such a constant basis. Sometimes it catches me off guard. Because, well, sometimes I just hadn't thought about it. But I need to. So I am grateful.

We got married on August 25, 2012.

It was pretty great.

P.S. - Rachel Varella is a phoenomenal photographer.

(I love alliterations.)

You should check her out! 

Rachel Vivienne Photography!

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